13 days without calling and ....

Today is the 13th day that i didn't receive a call from her. Seriously, I wasn't expecting her to call me. Had 2 phones. One had a softer ring (which was loud previously till she complaint about it), a samsung. The other originally louder, a nokia. Didn't know she had called me twice on the samsung. Heard the nokia rang, saw the caller is "Darling Girlgirl", picked up happily. The next thing i heard is "Oh, so you are ok. Ok, bye bye". Tried to ask her what's wrong and apologise for not hearing the samsung rang, but was met with a disengaged tone.

Called her back immediately. Apologised again and when i asked her "Why?". Guess what was the reply? "Oh, nothing. Cause you didn't sms or called me the whole day, I was just checking if you had died". Yah. Can you imagine this. She's asking me, if I had died. I don't really know how should i feel about this sentence. I'm really really hurt by this sentence. Even towards a normal friend, or even towards those whom you do not have good impression of, you will not say that!!!

I really felt like shouting back at her. Really felt like, just fuck it, end it once and for all. But no. I didn't choose the "angry" way. Rather, i calmed myself down and tried explaining to her and letting her understand that this isn't the way to talk. I promised her that i will change my temper and i'm glad i at least managed to do it now.

I really do not know what caused the full drastic change in her attitude towards me. I know i have not been treating her as good as she wants previously. I did not celebrate her birthday with her last year. I know that there are many occassion that i did not consider her feelings. This i really regretted.

Now, everything that i said, seems to be a negative thing to her. Everything that i do, seems to be a disgusting thing to her. I hope i can know what's wrong and what changes her, but she will never confide in me. Rather she will confide in other people. Whatever things she had expected previously, she didn't let me know, but rather let others know about it. If she had told me what she wants, i believe things might had just take a different turn.

I was actually quite surprised with myself for being able to stay so calm after my conversation with her. Maybe it's because i had promised myself that i will try my very best to let the relationship becomes as good as previously. Maybe because I promised myself that I do not want to live with a regret. As long as I had tried to the best that I can, and if i still fail, then at least the only consolation i can tell myself is that "I will not regret that I couldn't hold on to this relationship, as i had tried to my very best."

I'm already trying my very best to change. All i'm asking for is just one chance.